Thursday, November 14, 1996

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So there’s a girl in Comm. Tech. class that likes me. I don’t know what she looks like, but I’m not interested. I’ll only date people I’m attracted to, and since I haven’t noticed her…

Hmm. My parents are going to see Gordon Lightfoot on Saturday. and they’re not taking me! I figure I’ll make an internet Christmas list, with links to websites and pictures to go along with it. My brother made an internet christmas list but it didn’t have many links on it. A number of pictures, but no links. Two links, sorry.

I wrote some of my list down. Some good stuff on it. I’ll fax it to you.

 

Dear Teen-aged Matt,

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Wednesday, October 30, 1996

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I could have told K____ about the shirt today. I didn’t forget. It wasn’t that I didn’t have an opportunity I just missed. In fact I had a great chance! K____ was standing RIGHT next to me and J____ W____ said to D____, “You suck!” Now, maybe if K____ had said it then I could’ve said something. Maybe I might have. I don’t know. To quote Weezer: “My baby I’m afraid I’m falling for you”. How poetic.

How about, “I’m told she’s a lesbian. I tought I had found the one. We were good as married in my mind, but married in my mind’s no good”. No, it just doesn’t exactly apply here. Well, not the first line anyway.

I should hypnotize myself to have more confidence. Enough to say, “Hey, you know how you said you wanted a t-shirt that says, “you suck” on it? I know where you can get one”. That’s all. I’m sorta hoping for S____ to not be at school one day, or week, so I could sit with K____ and the gang, or maybe they’d come sit with me, like last time because I’m “lonely”. That would be good. Get the sympathy thing going. But then again, how on earth could I ever ask if I could sit with them? They invited me over to their table once in Grade 9 I think, that was nice of them. Maybe they’d do that again. Thing is though, K____ is never there at the beginning of lunch.

My Huevos Rancheros CD is in. I have no money. God dammit. I need a haircut. Mom says we’ll get my CD on the weekend. Shit. K____ F____ wants me to come over to his place to help with a video for geography. I could go over there on the sunday maybe. I’d have to do my homework and get the CD on Saturday. Unless I went for the haircut and CD on friday, then I could go to K____ F____’s on Saturday and do my homework on Sunday.

Dear Teen-aged Matt,

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Friday, October 18, 1996

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Well, I didn’t re-write in K____’s yearbook. Oh well. I tried to scan my yearbook to get pictures for this but when I printed it it went all screwy, so I’ll have to xerox it or something. Oh well. Too bad.

This journal thing is a really good idea because I talk to myself anyway, so this way if anyone stumbles upon this then they will peer into my soul. Of course I keep emotions like depression and sorrow out of this because 1) I don’t want to be a downer to anyone and 2) I can’t write and cry at the same time.

I’ve had nights where I lie in bed crying, about nothing all that good. No one likes me, why don’t I have friends, I’m stupid, my life is going nowhere… things like that. I also forget to put things in here that I mean to, or things that were really important.

Ooo! I know. My mom got a cheque for $1000+ today so we’re going shopping tomorrow. I wonder what I’ll end up getting.

Still no word on the Weezer concert or the Huevos Rancheros CD I ordered. Oh well. I’m sure it will come into place soon enough.

I think S____ and I ought to shoot a movie next summer, just on Hi8, and then when school comes in, use the equipment to edit it. Good idea, no?

Did I mention the video for “Waiting” by The Rentals? Great video, dynamite. Matt Sharp is SUPER DUPERLY COOL in it.

 

Dear Teen-aged Matt,

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Monday, October 14, 1996

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I’m far too tired and depressed to write anything.

 

Dear Teen-aged Matt,

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Sunday, October 13, 1996

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Saw “Fargo” tonight. Good movie. Coen Brothers writing and directing. Co-starring Steve Buscemi. Good movie. Funny. I’m so damn bored with my life. I need something. Anything dammit! A girlfriend, friends to do things with. a place to hang out. Money, a job! Dammit! New clothes. I’ve got to do something on Tuesday. Thanksgiving tomorrow. I’ve got to ask out K____ or see if K____ F____ and N____ want to do something on Hallowe’en or something dammit! I need a social life of any sort! I need to do things! I don’t know how I survived over the summer! I don’t have to get up tomorrow but I’m in bed at midnight! Sundays suck anyway but I should at least be tired from doing something earlier. I don’t want a band. I just want to write. I want to direct! I want to do thing! I want to make How Mr. Stiles Got Rich! I want to do anything! I need a job! I need to do things! God dammit I need a life of any sort. I know why juveniles become delinquents: ’cause they’re damn bored! We’re so fucking bored! and not just spur of the moment boredom, but when looking back over the past year and realizing you’ve only done one overly social thing you just have to scream. I need to do SOMETHING! DAMMIT. GOD DAMMIT ALL TO HELL. WHY CAN’T I BE A TEENAGER?! WHY AM I SO FUCKING BORED I’M SO FUCKING BORED AND THANKSGIVING SUCKS I’M SO FUCKING DEPRESSED I’M GOING TO HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN AND SHOOT SOME FUCKER IN THE HEAD. ITS RAINING.

How incoherent.

 

Dear Teen-aged Matt,

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Thursday, October 10, 1996

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Today there was an art field trip to Cobourg to an art gallery there. No fun at all.

We were split into groups to analyze art. I was put in a group with a guy I figured might be a prospect for a friend, but when the art director asked him what he thought about a collage he said, “Looks pretty stupid”. You don’t say something like that. Oh well.

I didn’t talk to K____ today. I really want to but I don’t. Opportunities don’t spring up. Maybe when S____ goes to Venezuela in December I’ll have an excuse to sit with them at lunch. That would be realy good because then I would have more chances of speaking then if S____, the speaker of forever volume, was there, which happened the last time K____ was eating with us. I’m strange. I’m very unique, but I don’t think it shows through in hallway talk, like when I’m at D____’s locker and K____’s there. I really want to show my unique side as much as possible. That’s why I like to show my wallet and wear my nerd shirt. What I really want is a Hawaiian shirt, but then you know that.

I liked my tie-dye shirt when it fit and was intact. I got comments in the halls, and from teachers. All I really want is attention, but what I really want is K____’s attention. And M____’s and S____ F____’s. S____ F____ is getting kinda weird now though. Much darker. I think she’s fallen into drugs. cirgarettes anyway. Oh well. Next semester K____ is in one of my classes. M____ might have taken that class too. She’s kinda interested in people and culture I think. The course is civilization in history. That would be good.

 

Dear Teen-aged Matt,

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Wednesday, October 9, 1996

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I didn’t talk to K____ today. She was talking to D____ about The Waltzing Weasel, a bar or something where her and friends go each week, but she couldn’t go tonight because there’s a biology lab due tomorrow. I’d like to go some time, that would be good. I just wish I could get up enough courage to talk to her, even just about regular chit chat stuff. “See any good movies lately?” Ya, I should be really cheesy and make it really obvious that I like her without saying it. I don’t know why. I’d just like to have some rumours about me I guess. I really need some positive attention. I’m sick of being picked on. Well, I guess I’ve never get away from it, but I’d at least want a vacation for maybe a day.

That’s why I’m so anti-social. Everyone has something derogatory to say to me. Girls never say anything bad to me. I like girls, they’re nicer to me. Guys all have these egos like every man is competing against every other man to procreate. Men are so aggressive. I hate men. They’re mean.

So, on the new rock preview on the radio they’re previewing the new CD from “The Heads” called “No Talking, Just Head”, and The Heads are three members of Talking Heads, which is a band I really like, but this kinda sucks. Because the members that are The Heads are purely the musicians, so they brought on all sorts of outside people to write and sing. But that’s what I like the most about Talking Heads, the lyrics and the vocals, so really they’re nothing without David Byrne, who has a solo career, but I don’t know if that’s any good.

Dear Teen-aged Matt,

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